According to Merriam-Webster possessiveness means, manifesting possession or the desire to own or dominate. In simple words being possessive means distrusting, doubting, or feeling insecure with your partner/friend. Or you want to be the center of attraction from, excessively attracted to, a particular person.
“friendship, it is a promise of being a part, one that we can ask and share with our choice, of someone’s soul irrespective of variables of life.”
Having a similar dogma or goal is the basic requirement of friendship, a sanctified relationship. We will try to understand why we become possessive of our close friends and reasons for crafting those doubts in our perceptions.
A third-party entry:
This is the most common and easily comprehensible reason for possessiveness. Do not assume a new person; smart, intelligent, handsome/beautiful, good sportsperson or someone with extraordinary powers in your group. But whenever you notice your friends inclining towards some new person a feeling arises. You may feel like you’re losing your precious friend.
Another example is when your friend finds a romantic relation. Sometimes it may occur to you that he/she is not spending quality time with you or rushed to be with someone another than you, the feeling of possessiveness can emerge. Couples can also feel the same in a relationship. Among young unmarried couples this can cause a lot of tension, don’t think the worst but it’s a possibility. Married couples are no exception to it. Calling your running late partner shows that you’re worried and you care about them. But calling them repeatedly can irritate them.
Spending too much time with them:
Spending hours is fun when friends are around. But it is not too healthy to always stick to a single person or a particular group of friends. You can’t keep it on forever. When this activity suddenly stops, you start inculcating the feeling of insecurity.
With time you do not only learn the qualities of your friends but also their flaws. Getting into a fight with friends is not a disaster. But if you are with them all the time, attacking their weak points is easy. And it is difficult sometimes to take things back, words hurt better than arrows.
Privacy is also a need so it is good to maintain some distance and meet new people. Take a walk, alone, if you think it gives you and your friends some space.
Always fulfilling their requirements:
Always being ready to do your friend(s)’s work is a state of possessiveness. In a group, you can find a person who volunteers to do other’s work. Some of them feel that by doing their friend’s chores he/she will gain a center and become an active participant of the group. You may seem indulged with your friends physically. But you can be very distant, emotionally. You cannot gain trust by doing their works, life has more meaningful chores than that. You should help your friends just do no enslave them to laziness.
Distances can also generate possessiveness:
You can always be friends but not necessarily together in the same place. You may need to separate from your dearest friends for various reasons: higher studies, parents transfer to other cities, jobs in a different city, or even a different country. Time zone is also a factor when your friends are overseas. Some people are not ready to accept the distance & feel that frequently calling & texting is keeping their friendship alive. It can be very annoying when a wrong call arrives at the wrong moment. Calling and texting every day in a busy life is not possible for everyone.
- People with some past tragic experiences or some diseases (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder) can also impart signs of possessiveness. They can display anti-social behavior and have no control over their emotions.
How it came to me:
When I went to college, west Bengal, Bengali was alien to me. Like anywhere else, in no time, we formed a diverse group. My friends from Bengal had no trouble understanding Hindi (my mother tongue) whereas their speaking was mediocre. After paying close attention I figured that Bengali resembles Hindi, I picked it up very quickly. Even though I had a constant fear of losing my friends. I could not stand them talking to other students in the class. Either to the Bengali or Hindi speaking classmates, it was competition from both sides I feared.
How to avoid being possessive
You are not a victim. They are not conspiring against you or trying to make a fool of you. Blaming and confronting them is not the way, instead, you should try to tell them how you feel. Make it about you and not them.
Do not dwell on your past. Everyone loves their friends and it is mutual. If someone new comes in your friends’ life make them your friend too. Meeting new people is always exciting, more exciting when you find out they have the finest meme collection.
You should always trust your friends/partner and so not dig into their private space. Feeling insecure is temporary so do not search for a new relationship, instead find a solution for your anxious mind.
With friends, days pass like hours when you meet them after some time. You have tons of information to exchange (believe me it’s way more fun than your early life with those friends). Stay in touch with them, call, or text when necessary or according to time. Everyone suggests that meditation is also a remedy, so try this and let me know how it works.