Decoding the demons: What depression feels like?

When You Feel Like You Can’t Go On

© Aliysha
When you feel so lonely and can’t sleep at night,
because everything gives you a fright.
The pain and the sadness takes control,
and once again you’re all alone.
The pain I feel is torturing.
My life isn’t really worth living.
You keep living every day, hoping it might end someway.
You go to sleep and pray to God,
but it doesn’t work… you’re too stuck!

All the tears cooped up inside,
from all the lies that bleed you dry.
Just one tear shows a million emotions.
It’s all mixed and with terror and devotion!
I devote myself to acting happy,
but at night when I’m all alone,
somehow it all spills out
when no one can see and no one can hear
all of the pain and all of the fear.

You go to sleep hoping you won’t wake up,
but when morning comes you have to keep going.
It isn’t easy and you can’t say it Is
until you know just how it feels.
My soul is dying.
Why do I keep trying?
Nothing seems worth it anymore!
I just want to be alone…

This is from the heart of all my feelings and emotions,
something I can’t speak, but one day it’ll all be over.
And I will be that happy person I know I want to be.
But just acting happy is too hard for me!

I would like to start my article with the above emotional poem because somewhere it is giving a perfect idea of          “What depression feels like to a person?” Depression is not just about feeling sad it is much more than that, it is feeling hopeless about life. Sometimes it feels like never-ending darkness in which a person is imprisoned. It is the phase where nothing goes wrong but yet looks all erroneous.

The idea we get through this poem:

  • The loneliness makes you feel like you have no energy everything makes you so scared and frightened.
  •  You aren’t able to control your thoughts and emotions, your thoughts and emotions will control you.
  • The pain and suffering or sadness makes you so helpless that you feel like you are trapped in darkness and you are all alone.
  • Something that keeps on bothering you, same as torture which makes you so worthless, like you are good for nothing.
  • It is like you are locked in a glass box, looking out and struggling to be a part of the world but you are unable to do so. You keep trying but there is no way out.
  • You are just pretending to be happy but inside life is not worth living, the soul is tired, eyes are full of tears and your heart is so heavy but you can’t cry out as no one is there to hug.
  • Sleep is only escaped from all sufferings and you wish to sleep forever.
  • No reason seems there to carry on with all the struggle, it looks so hard to speak up about all this ….as it seems no one will understand.

Depression:
Depression is a term that describes the feeling of sadness in reaction to some traumatic event such as loss of a job, death of loved ones, failure in exams and many more such events can include but there is a difference between feeling sad and having depression.

Sadness is a natural response towards the events which cause one to experience the feeling of grief, helplessness, etc. It is short term and a temporary emotion that fades away with time and an individual gets back to his normal life with the same energy. But if this feeling of sadness and helplessness, continues for a long time then there is a high chance that you are depressed.

Depression is not just a sense of sadness, it is a mental illness that affects your mood, the way you understand yourself, and the way you understand and relate to the things around you. it is a common illness that presents with depressed mood, loss of interests and pleasure, decreased energy, feeling of guilt and low self-worth, irritability, disturbed sleep, poor concentration, and a continuous chain of suicidal thoughts. An individual must be experiencing these all symptoms for the last 15 days for a depression diagnosis.

What does it feel like to be depressed

(Source)

 “What depression actually feels like?”  Real-life stories

  • According to Aditya Aggrawal , It’s like a heavy fog, one that lingers in the dull early morning sky, continual, blurry, and never fading away. It stays and spreads throughout, tiring and exhausting, pressing me down. Suddenly everything seems to take more effort than ever. Everything that I loved makes no sense anymore. I don’t know how I got here but here I am, barely hanging on. Disconnected and scared, I feel a pressure cranked up in my body and as I fumble for the valve, trying to shut it off, something snaps within, terrifying, making me feel vulnerable. No one can know how it feels to be hit, hit hard in that place you thought you had mastered, in a space, you thought you had conquered, in an area, you thought you were safe. A sensation of being afraid all the time, each and every passing moment without even knowing what it is that you’re afraid of. I am trapped in the middle of an ocean without any visible shore. And then suddenly something tangles my leg, pulls me deep as I gasp for more. I struggle, I fight to keep my head above water but it’s exhausting and frightening and there I am screaming but no one hears. So I scream louder and it only gets darker, the darkness that I fear. Sometimes I truly doubt if I’ll ever make out of it, if someone will ever know, if I’ll ever see the light again and if the thing tugging on my leg will ever let go.I have witnessed my relationships being shattered, my plans falling apart, my loved ones leave. Insanity overshadows reasoning, my faith crumbles, insecurities creep in yet the outer-world seems fine, oblivion to my inner demons, monsters residing within. 
  • Christian Sismone, someone who has dealt with depression and anxiety her entire life, says it’s important to provide a non-clinical perspective. She shares these examples:

    • “Depression makes my mind feel like a turtle running in chunky peanut butter,” Sismome says this is most evident when she is not able to have clear thoughts.
    • “Depression feels like I’m suffocating in my emotions, and at times I feel as though I can breathe, but only through a straw.” Being someone who attempted to end their life 10 years ago, Sismome says the complicated emotion of depression can feel too great.
    • “Depression can feel like an old friend that doesn’t quite fit, but you know the ins and outs.” For Sismone, learning how to work with depression instead of running away from it, helped her move forward.
  • The patient was a 15‐year‐old Puerto Rican adolescent female living with both her parents and a younger sibling. Her parents presented with significant marital problems had been separated several times and were discussing divorce. Her mother reported having a history of psychiatric treatment for depression and anxiety and indicated that the patient’s father suffered from bipolar disorder and had been receiving psychiatric treatment.  He was hospitalized on multiple occasions during previous years for serious psychiatric symptoms. The patient was failing several classes in school, and her family was in the process of looking for a new school due to her failing grades and difficulties getting along with her classmates. She presented the following symptoms: frequent sadness and crying, increased appetite and overeating, guilt, low self‐concept, anxiety, irritability, insomnia, hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating. In addition, she presented difficulties in her interpersonal relationships, persistent negative thoughts about her appearance and scholastic abilities, as well as guilt regarding her parents’ marital problems. The patient’s medical history revealed that she suffered from asthma, used eyeglasses, and was overweight. Her mother reported that she had been previously diagnosed with major depressive disorder 3 years ago and was treated intermittently for 2 years with supportive psychotherapy and anti‐depressants (fluoxetine and sertraline; no dosage information available). This first episode was triggered by rejection by a boy for whom she had romantic feelings. Her most recent episode appeared to be related to her parents’ marital problems and to academic and social difficulties at school. A diagnosis of MDD was established using the Diagnostic Interview Schedule for Children (DISC‐IV).

Conclusion : 

Depression is like a demon that can rob your happiness, peace, and everything. it makes you feel like something dying within you and a feeling of loneliness has occupied your soul.  it is like a voice inside you keeps blaming you and saying that you are awful, ugly and you don`t deserve to live.  this will create a feeling of self-hate in individuals. the daily routine also needs so much effort to do. Depression feels like you are locked in a dark room with no single ray of light and you are screaming aloud, but no one is there to listen.

The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”

                                                                                               By SAINT  MOTHER TERESA 

So if you know who is lonely, depressed or trapped with self hate, please include them in lunch plans , invite them over for dinner or have a conversation to remind them that they are not unwanted, they are lovable and beautiful. This will help them to believe that they are worthy & you are blessed to have them in your life . They will fight back the demons just for you. Please be there for them, be their strength .

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